At the age of twenty-four I had what most would say was a great life. Married to a great guy, a home, two cute little girls and lots of friends.
Somehow, inside I wasn’t happy. Actually I was pretty miserable…so miserable that life wasn’t worth living. Looking back, this is the lowest of the low spots I’ve been. I was good at masking it. My husband had no clue I was depressed. I got up in the morning, got my little girls dressed and fed, eat something and laid on the couch, and together, we watched countless hours of TV. About the time I knew Kurt would be getting home, I would get up, do the essentials to keep the house running, serve dinner get the night stuff done and go to bed. The cycle went on like this for several months.
Thank heavens for good friends! I had a friend that I spoke with on the daily basis, she knew where I was and out of concern made me an appointment with a counselor. She told me to go and if I didn’t show up, she would make another appointment and would come and pick me up.
I went on my own. After the first visit, he suggested that maybe I needed to see a psychiatrist so I could have some medication to help me get out of the depression. I told him “no,” I would do everything he told me to do to get better (medication has its place and it helps people, I just didn’t need them. I know people who medication has saved their lives in situations like this). He agreed, we started therapy.
I had to do 3 things a day every day before I did anything. I got to choose what they were.
1. Something spiritual
2. Something physical
3. Something mental
I chose to read my scriptures, do my Nordic Track and write in my journal. Some days I read only a verse of scriptures, that was all I had in me. The Nordic Track, I started at 1 minute, then 2, 3, 4…an hour…it was a long road. And the journal, many days there was only one sentence, it was ok.
The only reasons I didn’t kill myself then was because…I couldn’t find a way that it would work for sure and it wouldn’t hurt ( I don’t like pain); I didn’t want my girls to find me and…what would I tell the Lord when I saw Him?
Having been there and felt that bad about life, I learned a lot about myself. Going through the counseling it was a life saving procedure.
Life is going to have ups and downs, to maintain the course and keep on moving in the direction we started the journey, we have to take it with a grain of salt and do the best we can. Sure people are going to do things that hurt, make us laugh, make us cry and help us grow…it is up to each of us what will happen from it.
I’ve learned to react less and act more. What happens in my corner of the world is up to me!
Finding something to enjoy during the storm, regardless of how fierce the wind is blowing, is life saving! Even if it is only for a small moment, it helps.
People will be people, so I am going to be me. I am going to do my best and that is enough.
Forgiving is very essential. I only forgive as much as I want to be forgiven by the Lord. How much is that? Hummmm….completely. It is a lot of work, and it feels wonderful when I am done. I ask for forgiveness whenever I error.
When I see myself sliding and going down a bit, I stop and see why I am sliding, talk in my head about what is taking me down that fast, resolve whatever it is that needs resolving and start the climb up again! Down at the bottom is not a destination for me ever again!
I made the decision to live life, it is precious and time doesn’t stop for me to enjoy it longer, it also doesn’t hurry so I can hurt for less time. I just need to find joy in every step of my journey (sometimes it is easier to find it than others, nevertheless, it is always there).
Life has opposites in everything. Good and evil, dark and light, happy and sad, faith and fear, dream and nightmare…I am grateful for the opposition in everything. Why? Because when I am going through something hard, I know there is something good around the corner. When I hit bottom, I knew the only way out was up!